Qui? C'est lui! Comme Docteur Qui? – UPDATED
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It has been brought to our attention that some people would quite like Bill to be the next Lord of Time.


UPDATE 25/11/2008

We’ve also been asked to share the link to a Facebook group where a few like minded people have joined together:


Remarkable Competition Results
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We are able to announce the winner of this limited edition, highly coveted, hand-made silkscreen print (see image, right) signed by both Bill and award winning artist, Joe Magee, to commemorate Bill’s recent collaboration with Anne Dudley and the BBC Concert Orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall (and what a collaboration it was).

And, in no particular order, the lucky winner is…..

(French horn fanfare…)

…Simon Stockbridge!

Simon won by providing the judges with a remarkably good answer to the question:

Q. In no more than 10 words:
What’s going on in Bill’s X-Ray head?

Simon: Left untreated, the adult tinselworm responds poorly to keyhole surgery.

Simon’s signed print is winging its way to him as we speak. In addition to this, Bill has awarded the accolade of “highly commended” to two runners up who will each receive a programme from the Royal Albert Hall shows, signed by Bill. They are (in no particular order other than alphabetized by surname)…

Pat Harkin: Bill thinks “Ten words? That’s not much. How will anyone
Deborah Martin: The result of a disagreement with Anne Dudley

We’d like to say a big thank you for the cyber-sack loads of entries we received. They made us laugh, cry, emit strange noises and sometimes wonder what question it was that we actually asked in the first place. Here’s a selection of just some of the ludicrous and phantasmagorical entries:

Analysing bubbles, marginalising troubles, philosophical osmosis, musical halitosis!

I think this tinnitus is getting worse!

why are plums purple, planning a casserole, Japanese zoo keepers

badgers, bees, badgers, bees, badgers, bees…HUH!…french what?…worms

J’aime mon klaxon!


An ocular orchestral overture of obvious occipital ovation.

Bill is thinking “I’ve never seen a Womble break-dance”

Input: View on life. Processes: rotary valve system. Output: Genius

Must buy a new case for my French horn

cranium euphonium in beardium

to get that out he’ll have to root-it-toot!

the hobbits are taking over the asylum!

On the bright side, at least it isn’t a bassoon

constantly peering into people’s luggage, assessing their contents for toasties

a dog eating a crunchy pringle sandwich on a unicycle

Never argue with an emo in Starbucks

A cerebral cacophony, culminating in a crescendo of clown cars

Bill had A# (a sharp) pain in the head

ah the morphing monkeys catch my attention from within trees

Remarkable Competition – last few days to enter
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What's going on in Bill's X-Ray head?From the poetic and sublime to the more normal absurd and ridiculous, here are a few of the very many remarkable answers we’ve had in response to the question, What’s going on in Bill’s X-Ray head?

– Bill thinks “Ten words? That’s not much. How will anyone

– An ocular orchestral overture of obvious occipital ovation.

– Analysing bubbles, marginalising troubles, philosophical osmosis, musical halitosis!

– Left untreated, the adult tinselworm responds poorly to keyhole surgery.

– To answer would be like pulling back God’s shower curtain.

– I can see clearly now the brain has gone

– Consume. Create. And betwixt the two – muck about a bit.

– Ahh, Nottingham. Now that was a great gig!

– J’aime mon klaxon!

– I think this tinnitus is getting worse!

If you have not already done so, you may still enter the competition. The window of opportunity for this does not closeth until the clock striketh 12 noon on Friday 31st October. Thereafter, the very clever winner will NOT turn into a pumpkin, but shall receive a highly sought after handmade Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra screen print by Joe Magee, signed at the Royal Albert Hall by Bill and Joe (these screen prints are becoming even more limited by the day). The WINNER will be announced in Friday’s Newsletter (perhaps even with a link to enable you to be privy to more ludicrous answers).

Enter the competition now here

These handmade screen prints not only look amazing but will become highly collectable and, in case you are unable to wait to see whether you win or not, you can obtain one for yourself or as a gift right now, directly from the shop before they have all gone. Remarkably, each print is unique with its very own number from a limited print run of only 250. Just picture your descendants queuing up with it on the 2108 series of the Antiques Roadshow. But, although he’s helped to create an heirloom, we’re sure that Bill would rather have conjured up a hair loom….

A Big Thank You from Good Vibrations
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A big thank you to everyone who contributed to the collection at the recent Royal Albert Hall gigs.

Bill’s fans raised a massive £3,682.10 which will greatly help towards the work of the charity in their Gamelan in Prisons Project.

Of the project, Bill says “I decided to include this charity in the Royal Albert Hall programme because I think it’s a fascinating and worthwhile project….and also because many aspects of it strike a personal chord with me.”

“I have a strong connection with Indonesia – I’ve travelled there for many years and during one of these visits I was taught the basics of gamelan and played with a gamelan orchestra. I’m drawn to the otherness of it, the strangeness and the fact that playing it is unlike any Western musical form. It ebbs and flows, has no real beginning or end, and while plating it I find the concentration required combined with the rippling sound is akin to meditation. It is relatively easy to start playing and get pleasing results, so I can see how it could provide a sense of achievement. I have also done stand-up gigs in prisons, and have seen how performance can have a positive effect.”

Good Vibrations Founder and Project Director Cathy Eastburn explained how the money would be used. “We will put the money towards three up-and-coming Good Vibrations projects (the host prisons also pay something towards the costs). These will be at Peterborough Prison (working with Vulnerable Prisoners), Low Newton prison near Durham (working with female prisoners) and another TBC. Each project will be a one-week, full-time intensive gamelan project with a group of between 15-20 prisoners. They will learn to play traditional Javanese gamelan music and also create their own compositions as a group, using the gamelan instruments. Each project will culminate in an informal performance in front of an audience.”

“By taking part in such a communal and accessible group activity, participants will develop crucial life skills such as team-working, communication, creative thinking, concentration and applying themselves. These are skills that many prisoners lack and which are absolutely vital: for getting and holding onto a job on release, for making positive friendships while in prison and making the most of their time there, and for successful family relationships.”

“For many participants, a Good Vibrations project is the first time in their lives they have succeeded at something and had a positive experience in a group setting, so the projects have a real impact on people’s self-confidence and motivation to go on to do other constructive things in prison (such as education courses, Offending Behaviour Programmes, getting a job in a workshop, and other arts courses). And the benefits will last – we are just about to publish an independent evaluation report of our work which shows that the benefits for participants are still very much in evidence at least 6 months after doing one of our projects.”

Good Vibrations is part of the Firebird Trust (a registered charity) and is funded by Arts Council England, the Linbury Trust, the LankellyChase Foundation, the Mercers’ Company, the Northmoor Trust, the Trusthouse Charitable Foundation, the Tudor Trust and the Worshipful Company of Musicians as well as by the host prisons themselves.

More information on the project can be found at www.firebirdtrust.co.uk/content/blogcategory/38/73/.

Thank you again for supporting this extremely worthy cause.

Never Mind the Buzzcocks
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After 11 series of appearing on Never Mind The Buzzcocks, other commitments have led to Bill being unable to take part in the forthcoming series.

We understand that many of you will be disappointed on hearing this news, but on the plus side there will be a Bill-filled future to look forward to in other areas.

Thank you for your continued support.

The Guardian – 22nd March 2008
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Check out The Guardian newspaper this Saturday to find an exclusive article written by Bill.

The article is in the Travel section and is all about Bill’s travels to North Sumatra and Los Angeles with his family.

Supermarkets – Who Pays?
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Bill is currently supporting a campaign based on ActionAid’s report “Who Pays? How British supermarkets are keeping women workers in poverty”. The report looks at the impact that the supermarket price wars have had on the developing countries who supply them with products, and calls for supermarkets to publicly commit to international workers’ rights and fairer buying practices. To find out more about the report visit the Action Aid website.

Bill has produced his own video for the campaign which you can watch here, with an opportunity for you to sign up at the end. You can even make your own campaign video using Bill’s narration and prove to the big supermarkets that you really ain’t gonna be their bitch.